A short list of things I don’t like about weddings


I have only a few wedding-related pet peeves:

  1. Ceremony takes longer than 30 seconds. ZZZZZZZZ
  2. In-joke filled speeches lasting longer than 30 seconds. ZZZZZZZZ
  3. More than 1.5 mentions of God during ceremony and more than 0 during reception.
  4. Slide shows. (I’m walking out if I hear “Good Riddance” by Green Day.)
  5. Cash bars. And also: cutting off the bar at any point in the evening, i.e., during speeches. (Fuck. YOU.)
  6. Receiving lines.
  7. Having your wedding on a Goddamn long weekend.
  8. Ceremony and reception more than 1 hour apart (or on separate days!).
  9. Ceremony and reception located more than 50 feet apart.
  10. Any type of fundraising.
  11. Readings (religious or otherwise) during the ceremony.
  12. Children with speaking roles. Especially a pair of children giving a reading in unison. UNISON!
  13. Those stupid candy gift rocks in a sack I get at Italian weddings.
  14. Nuptual typefaces.
  15. Reciting your vows into a microphone.
  16. Not-so-subtle attempts to get cash gifts only: “no gifts, please”; “no boxed gifts, please”; “we accept all major credit cards.”
  17. Hearing people say, “we’re almost done the invitations.” Two words: e-vite.
  18. Wedding cake.
  19. Pomp. (I don’t mind the circumstance.)
  20. “Cute” photographs, viz., run at the camera, jump in the air, strangle that usher, etc.
  21. Any attempts to make the bride and groom kiss at the reception. Think about how gross this is.
  22. Up-dos.
  23. “Cute” seating charts. Cuteness in general, I suppose.
  24. Videography.
  25. Pachelbel’s Canon in D.
  26. Dancefloor smoke. WTF.
  27. The implication that I’m witnessing the most unique and precious spectacle in history. ZZZZZZZZ