A short list of things I don’t like about weddings
I have only a few wedding-related pet peeves:
- Ceremony takes longer than 30 seconds. ZZZZZZZZ
- In-joke filled speeches lasting longer than 30 seconds. ZZZZZZZZ
- More than 1.5 mentions of God during ceremony and more than 0 during reception.
- Slide shows. (I’m walking out if I hear “Good Riddance” by Green Day.)
- Cash bars. And also: cutting off the bar at any point in the evening, i.e., during speeches. (Fuck. YOU.)
- Receiving lines.
- Having your wedding on a Goddamn long weekend.
- Ceremony and reception more than 1 hour apart (or on separate days!).
- Ceremony and reception located more than 50 feet apart.
- Any type of fundraising.
- Readings (religious or otherwise) during the ceremony.
- Children with speaking roles. Especially a pair of children giving a reading in unison. UNISON!
- Those stupid candy gift rocks in a sack I get at Italian weddings.
- Nuptual typefaces.
- Reciting your vows into a microphone.
- Not-so-subtle attempts to get cash gifts only: “no gifts, please”; “no boxed gifts, please”; “we accept all major credit cards.”
- Hearing people say, “we’re almost done the invitations.” Two words: e-vite.
- Wedding cake.
- Pomp. (I don’t mind the circumstance.)
- “Cute” photographs, viz., run at the camera, jump in the air, strangle that usher, etc.
- Any attempts to make the bride and groom kiss at the reception. Think about how gross this is.
- “Cute” seating charts. Cuteness in general, I suppose.
- Pachelbel’s Canon in D.
- Dancefloor smoke. WTF.
- The implication that I’m witnessing the most unique and precious spectacle in history. ZZZZZZZZ