A review of sidewalk juice

Satisfactory juiceteria in the Mission.

I can’t offer too much in the way of complaint. The juices and smoothies there are prepared fresh and are toothsome, sure. And the prices are reasonable; this isn’t one of those fancy cold-pressed, $90-deposit-on-your-hand-blown-glass-bottle kind of places. It’s on par with the double-J or any other ‘squeezer’ you’d find in a mall.

I can’t offer too much in the way of praise either. That they are ‘cash only’ adds an unnecessary complication in the harsh conditions of Morning—a time when my mind is barely functioning if it can be said to be functioning at all.

But if I do have a beef (BTW no beef smoothies) it is with their overwhelming selection and the poor presentation thereof. Feel free to consider this review a wholesale excoriation of their menu readability.

It’s crippling. I’ve watched more than a few doe-eyed Missionistae in yoga attire gaping at the some 39 smoothie options and crumbling from indecision. They have more options than I was offered for my higher education and that (arguably) was more significant. I just want a pick-me-up in the morning, and these fuckers are giving me a mountain of reading material.

Not only that, but the presentation is completely illogical. They include the ingredient “ice” with every single drink. That’s redundant. And why not break out the dairy beverages from the non-dairy ones? It would also make sense to sort the ingredients in some way, so we can logically parse out the construction of smoothies. They’re just very haphazard and again, first thing in the morning, poor design is like a holocaust for the senses.

I took the liberty of transcribing the menu and sorting the drinks in order of complexity. You can see my process for doing that (http://i.imgur.com/jp7IP2m.png)) in case you weren’t convinced I’m a total weirdo.

For those still paying attention, here are the drinks I have gotten that are good:

SMOOTHIES I LIKE

Blueberry Granola
Kale Colada
Mission Mango

JUICES I ALSO LIKE

Green Energy Juice
Mission Elixir
Citrus Hurricane

THESE ARE LESS GOOD

A-Lot-A-Colada
Good Morning Granola

Anyway, go there if you want. I don’t give a shit.

Obligatory Title Pun: Not my main SQUEEZE.
Menu Readability: Basically none. Fuck that menu.
Need to mention: They have other snacks as well. Need jerky and Kind bars? They’ll hook you up.
What this place teaches me about myself: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have problems. I know.