A review of the church of Scientology


What’s not to like? It was around the time when I realized that every facet in my life was being lived wrongly that I decided to stop in for a stress test. Obviously strong forces were holding me back from my true potential; myself, my landlord, suppressive persons, the pharmaceutical industry, etc., and deep inside me was a vibrant spirit that needed to be freed from my corporeal self. I bought a copy of Dianetics (actually, I got two just to be safe) and put it under my pillow. A week later, I was a changed man and having seriously awesome dreams about jet-skiing with Tom Cruise.

(Highlight: we launch off a jump simultaneously and high-five in midair. Strange part: even though I am laughing, Tom Cruise barely cracks a smile. Leah Remini is there too and she’s making brownies.)

So my buddy Richard M and I walked into this place to find out what the big deal was. We were immediately separated (this creeped me out a bit), and we both had stress tests administered. You are interviewed while grasping two aluminum cans connected to a voltmeter. When the needle vibrates, they probe you with intrusive questions. I can’t imagine what kind of a soft-skulled idiot could actually fall for this shit.

Anyway, two copies of Dianetics later, I’m a changed man. Scientology even cured my carpal tunnel. Now, for a Church that extorts millionaires, they could do with a renovation. The carpet was shoddy, their e-meter looked like it had seen better days, and the glass at the front entrance was anything but clear. Get it? Ahh… it’s a Scientology joke, you wouldn’t understand.

Obligatory Title Pun: The THET is on!
Menu Readability: I don’t understand why their symbol is a cross.
Need to mention: Beck and Charles Manson were both Scientologists.
What this place teaches me about myself: [Redacted by the Church of Scientology.]