One liners

These are things that pop into my head sometimes and I write them down.

• If make a mickle makes a muckle what can I get for a few bucks?
• I’m not a pedophile, but I know a kid who would get really mad if I said that. My boyfriend.
• I’m not religious, but I know a guy who would get really mad if he heard me say that. My boyfriend. He’s a Catholic priest. He’s also going to be mad that I said that.
• If life needs to imitate art, could it at least be those delightful Garfield cartoons?
• Four seconds of sobriety? I’ll drink to that.
• Is it raining or is it pouring? Wake up old man. We need answers.
• “Never attribute to malice what you can attribute to Mark Twain.” -Abraham Lincoln
• At first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
• My girlfriend is a whore. Let me rephrase: I’m in love with a prostitute.
• When life gives you lemons, just take the lemons. Since when is free lemons a bad thing?
• “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen,” is not an excuse for skipping your shift, Tony.
• Forget dying peacefully in my sleep, I want to die fitfully at my wake.
• It takes two to tango, but only one to mango.
• Flour, eggs, water, and sugar. Mix it in a bowl and you’ve got a cake. Throw it on the floor, and your wife will have questions.
• You can’t eat your cake and have it too, but like, who just wants to have a cake?
• It takes one to know one, but it takes a penny to leave a penny.
• There are days and there are gays. Consult a calendar to tell the difference, but not one of those hunky fireman calendars. That will confuse you.
• It takes a village to teach a child, but it only takes a few kids to feed a village.
• The cake vs pie debate is stupid because it’s structured to ignore any third party candidates.
• You don’t like that women wear makeup? Imagine the alternative: makeup wearing women.
• The hardest part about relationships is explaining how you’re right without missing the game.
• Some folks care more their pets than other people. That’s not fair. People are animals too.
• It’s hard being coy and I wouldn’t know anything about that.
• Smart people are getting beat up by dumb people. Which isn’t smart. Buy a gun, stupid.
• I couldn’t afford to rent in San Francisco. Or to buy in Oakland. But a knife to the chest in Stockton was well within my budget.
• I don’t get sports fans. Jocks who were bad at math are suddenly interested in stats?
• I used to laugh when I was younger. Now I say, “that’s funny.” Because I know better.
• We didn’t have social media when I was a kid. We had SNES and rubbing alcohol. That’s how we got “high.”
• Amateur miners have to start somewhere. In most jobs you work your way up, but miners work their way down.
• Cocoa is a weird word, but imagine it without the “a”. Too silly. It’s a monkey name, full stop.
• Christianity is a one-book book club. Which is fine, but I would have gone with something shorter.
• If 2020 gets any worse it’ll be 1820. They didn’t even have toilet paper then.
• The sky was orange all over California, I would say it looked post-apocalyptic but that’s optimistic. This is mid-pocalyptic at best.
• Kanye’s great in bed, because he always lets you finish. That said, Beyonce had the best video of all time.
• Making jokes during a Trump presidency is like doing sleight-of-hand during a hurricane.
• Biden just picked his running mate, Kamala Harris. It’ll be three days before he starts calling her “homegirl.”
• “Software is eating the world” is something a psychopath would say and I suppose did say.
• It’s a wonder that the Richest Man in the World isn’t a honor that lasts a few hours before he gets murdered.
• I’m at peak podcast. My house is spotless. I can’t add more chores.
• The sunglasses smiley emoji is my fave conversation closer. “Goodbye from a cool guy.”
• A fun fact about me is that I love offering unsolicited fun facts about myself.
• You know what’s sadder than waiting in line for brunch? Genocide. Get some perspective you yuppies.
• Funniest food name: Stromboli. I’ll fight you on this one.
• “Slow and steady wins the master race.” - Tortoise Hitler
• “Mohammed” has the word “ham” in it. That’s not Kosher—in any sense of the term.
• The weather outside is frightful, and the rest of this song reads like a police report.
• If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. You have to bang Carl? That can’t be right.
• Microclimates? It’s all about nanoclimates. This alley’s got a breeze, baby.
• Whoever coined “don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining” needs to report his weatherman.
• There’s nothing less punk than a laser printer.
• Should I be jotting things up instead?
• If anyone bowled me over? They’re getting a call from my lawyer.
• It’s true he drove into the river, but maybe his GPS was onto something.
• He wrote a check his butt couldn’t cash. But whose could! My butt is not a bank. It’s not even a credit union.
• You win some, you dim sum. You could win some dim sum, but this is rare.
• One way of describing a beer is drinkable. Not inaccurate, but not specific enough either.
• Being late is bad. Later is worse. But being the latest is the greatest. How does that work?
• You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them. But like, you really need know how to bet. That’s critical.
• It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… which tells me that I’m probably not the father.
• Can’t sleep or won’t sleep? Which is it brain? Oh, shan’t sleep.
• What could be more fun to say than “Trocadero?”
• Maybe she’s born with it, but I think she actually picked it up on Craig’s List.
• I’ve been ending sentences with “live from New York it’s Saturday Night” but they still won’t let me on the show.
• A bird in the hand is going to poop on it, trust me.
• I’d rather be young forever than old forever unless of course everyone else was old too.
• I’m half brown. I mean I’m fully brown but half of me is brown too. The point is, I’m a minority.
• The trouble with democracy is that no one ever had a chance to vote on the idea.
• Someone wished me a “have a good weekend” on Sunday. This feels like a problem.
• What a name is “Mark.” It means something you want to remove but can’t.
• In space no one can hear you scream, I scream, we all scream, for powdered ice cream.
• It’s always greenest before the lawn.
• Never bring a dessert to a knife fight.
• Donald Trump seems like the kind of guy who really bites into a pizza.
• I never met a fish I couldn’t catch. Because when else am I meeting fish?
• In the game of life the first to the end dies. Not great game design, guys.
• If you’ve never hugged a garbage can, welcome to the club.
• Think faking an orgasm is tough? Try baking one.
• I have as much desire to go camping as to do to abandon my belongings for a weekend and live in a tent in the woods.
• It’s so cold outside, it broke up with me over text.
• If complaining made plants grow, I’d get a farm and a pair of uncomfortable shoes.
• If we were all black there would be no such thing as racism; also true if everyone was white.
• A pillowcase doesn’t really “protect” pillows.
• The term blowjob is not only inaccurate, it’s derogatory to inflatable Americans.
• Imagine a sex ed teacher actually named Ed.
• We aren’t in england, why are our bed sizes named after royalty. And who is “twin”?
• Even the the word connoisseur is pretentious.
• Who came up with chocolate milk? Early experiments must have been awesome.
• The fastest way to lose thirty pounds: use a machete.
• I tried a snowcone the other day. It didn’t fit.
• I don’t care what you say about two girls one cup; it was really more of a tumbler.
• Why is it that My Little Ponies are the perfect size to make Barbie centaurs out of?
• Echo is a useless word.
• Whoever invented cursive writing must have been a twat.
• If people actually cared about religion they wouldn’t relegate it to Sunday.
• Homeless sounds like you have less homes, which implies that you had lots of homes which isn’t so bad.
• I hate jokes that end with a punchline. So there.
• ‘Snooze’ was invented by the laziest guy on the clock radio team.
• Is it a coincidence that ‘anal’ also means ‘uptight’?
• They could make paint that doesn’t drip, but big dropsheet has a powerful lobby.
• If Obama wasn’t black, his race wouldn’t be such a big deal.
• Racism is when you’re too lazy to come up with a real reason to hate someone.
• You could say that I put the “anal” in banal but then you’d have some life.
• If we shrieked when we thought something was funny, there would be a lot fewer comedians.
• No matter what you said, putting your actual foot in your mouth is worse. So feel better.
• If it’s all day breakfast, when’s lunch? Tomorrow?
• It’s against the law to pay for sex, but legal to beg for it? The government is trying to improve your negotiation skills.
• Putting “putting” on the agenda is confusing. Putting “pudding” on the agenda is gonna be a mess.
• What’s the opposite of a fag hag? A dyke Mike? A les-beau?
• If diamonds tasted like chocolate, well, I’d get engaged yesterday.
• Breakfast is the least patient meal. It never hands around long enough for me to wake up.
• We’d probably get by fine without lined paper, but we just don’t trust ourselves.
• I’d like to get arrested for “decent” exposure.
• Babies are useless on just about every level.
• Mario is red and blue. Luigi wears green and white. Do they work for different plumbing companies?
• Is there a vegetarian equivalent to meat sweats? Actually, nevermind.
• There is no reason to make bowling shoes that ugly. Shoe thieves can’t be that picky.
• We need a size bigger than large. Can we agree on “humongous”?
• Instead of divorce, people should have their marriage licence revoked.
• Lie down on the couch, I’m lazy. lie down on the street, I’m crazy. I can’t win.
• Why do talk show hosts wear suits, it’s almost midnight.
• Regis Philbin has been getting up early for a long fucking time.
• A book is the only medium that cannot convey the beauty of NASCAR.
• There are a lot of rednecks out there, and probably none of them like The Decemberists.
• What if I have a question? I guess I do that.
• All’s fair in love and war sounds like something a rapist would say.
• “Never say never” except in that sentence and I guess this one too.
• There’s nothing good on TV is always gonna be true.
• We should be glad microphones aren’t more dick shaped.
• A high school reunion might as well be called an “I hope I’m better than everyone else here convention.”
• To the inventor of sparkles: rest in pizzazz.
• Seatbelts: works in cars, not really in airplanes, and never on trampolines.
• You have the right to remain silent unless you are mute, then it’s a guarantee.
• Idea: replace every window on the plane with a mini fridge. Inside the fridge? A picture of a cloud.
• Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free? Beef motherfucker.
• Feedback. Feed. Back. Is this another word for throw up?
• Sex with a minor. Bad. Sex with a coal miner? OK. Sex with a coal-covered minor? Carcinogenic. And bad.
• You break it you buy it is the worst investment strategy.
• Imagine the sheer effort involved in literally giving a shit.
• You take a bath but you give a shit. Huh. Either way, sorry about the mess.
• If all the world’s a stage, why are my impromptu soliloquies so unpopular?
• Act of defiance? How about act of compliance! This tray table is up!
• I came. I slept.
• They say you can’t catch lightning in a bottle. I say, why the fuck would you want to?
• “Leftovers” is a lazy name for a thing, is what that is.
• In England they call exit “way out” and in California they call it “far out.”
• Clothes make the man, so a man of the cloth is… cloth? No wonder those molestation charges never stick.
• As if pulling up your socks ever helped.
• The grass is greener on the other side, which is why I want to go there, idiot.
• Paying to have sex with someone is a crime. Paying the same people and filming it is not a crime. Paying to have sex with the person filming it? Unprofessional.
• No smoking except brisket.
• E-cigs should give you brain cancer.
• Rust always sleeps. It’s the sleepiest.
• First they came for the Chex Mix…
• Different strokes for different folks is fine unless you’re a rowing team.
• Where there’s a will there’s a William, Bill, and sometimes Willie.
• Do we really need the “to you” in the birthday song?
• I need an option between “for here” or “to go.”
• “Stop and smell the roses” is obviously a conspiracy by Big Floral.
• Got milk? No, I drink it. Who just carries it around?