This dollar store wonder is Noah. An ordinary man burdened by the-great-doler-out-of-impossible-errands, God. God was sad that his creations on Earth weren’t working out like he expected (too much sodomy I guess) so he drowned all of them, sparing only Noah and his family. Noah then had to build a boat big enough for some key animals, and figure out how to repopulate the earth. You know what I’m talking about.

In a lot of ways, Noah is a universal figure. He appears in all three of the Annoying Religions and just about every culture has a story about a Great Flood. In the Bible he was called a man that “drank of the wine” which is code for “chill.” Noah was chill and righteous and burdened with stupid work from an overbearing manager. Who can’t relate to that?

He also serves two important functions in my apartment. First is a sobering reminder that God, if there is one, is prone to vanity and not unlikely to suffocate all of His beloved creatures under a deluge of water. It’s just something He does, so please be kind and rewind and whatnot. Second, Noah’s arms reticulate! He holds a couple of my watches for me. And that’s not a metaphor for anything; don’t overthink it please.