In collaboration with Sara Anderson, 2020.
Personality indicators for your preferred pronunciation of GIF (soft J or hard G) and your preferred texture of peanut butter (self explanatory I hope).
Ask not for whom “the good times” roll, they roll for thee. Just like the chunks in your peanut butter, you crave a life dotted with bursts of adventure and joy. Your positivity-seeking is a projection of your inner state. Among your friends, you’re the includer; in your family, the maker of peace. But the shadow side of the need to include is the need to fit in, to conform. Because of this you employ the hard G. Not because it’s right, but because that’s where the party seems to be.
You were the weird kid in high school. You’re the type to rock skate shoes and never set foot on a board. You pulled it off with aplomb. You don’t follow the crowd and somehow this aloofness attracted a collection of misfits and characters your call your inner circle. Each as unique as a chunk in PB. You read more than you watch TV (at least you want to) and you have a soft spot for the underdog. For you, the soft J isn’t a decision so much as a feeling: it’s just the way you roll.
You’re a perfectionist. It’s not so much that you need to be right, but that you happen to be most of the time. Your coterie is hand-picked and they come to you when they need advice, want an unassailable opinion, or just need a steadfast rock in the choppy ocean of their lives. You do care, but you don’t often show it. Your demeanor is cool and your countenance is smooth: like the peeled back reveal of a new jar of peanut butter. You say “jif” because it’s correct. You feel sorry for those who do otherwise.
Hard to tell. You’re the kind to vote for Jill Stein but not tell anyone about it, which for most folks defeats the purpose. You’re an enigma to your friends, and their worlds are forever changed having known you. You maybe tried drugs once, in college, and it actually made things less surreal for you in a way that wasn’t OK. You’re probably insane come to think of it. There’s really no explaining your deal.