A review of flip-flop sandals

August 7, 2015 ☞ Reviews

Flip flops are the fucking worst.

If threatened at gunpoint to name one positive attribute of flip-flops, I’d allow that they have suitable heft for snapping tropical insects out of existence. But hey, magazines can do that too and most magazines are informative and interesting. Flip flops are offensive, disgusting, and if I may be so bold: the ongoing holocaust of the footwear world.

They are the absolute nadir of good taste. Think about the slurpy suction sound they belch out with each step. Or the way they chafe away at the tender spot between your large and “index” toes. Or how they expose you to the vileness of modern sidewalks only 3/4" away. I’ve seen people wear flip flops on the human-stained sidewalks of San Fran-fucking-cisco. Not horrified yet? Then visualize a man’s foot in one. You’re welcome.

And by the way, these aren’t really “footwear” at all. Flip flops are a slab of flimsy rubber you’ve elected to drag across town with your pinched toes because “summer.” No thank you.