Bottle opener key

July 25, 2012 ☞ Personal inventory

Four distinguishing characteristics of an effective Novelty Gift:

  1. Eye-catching enough to raise one’s eyebrows 3mm.
  2. Priced sufficiently high to avoid “trinket” status.
  3. Definitely of little use and not worthy of personal consumption.
  4. Made in China.

I must admit that I purchased this key bottle opener for myself. I guess I was seduced by its lever lock appearance, and the promised ability to emancipate lager from bottles. On my keychain it would dangle in outrageous contradistinction it’s neighbors; comically shaped and weighty. It kind of made me feel like a janitor. 

But unfortunately, it generally took several impotent jabs to loosen any cap, a feature which made it look like you had just come into possession of this opener and didn’t know how to use it.

Those trying to impress a lady with their preparedness, would be better served by headbutting her in the chest. It’s just as sexy, and at least you wouldn’t look like a fumbling buffoon.