A review of the church of Scientology

August 11, 2011 ☞ Reviews

What’s not to like? I stopped in for a stress test, right around the time when I realized that every part of my life was being lived wrongly. Strong forces held me back from my true potential; myself, my landlord, suppressive persons, the pharmaceutical industry, etc., and inside me was a vibrant spirit that needed to be freed from my corporeal self. I bought a copy of Dianetics (I got two to be safe) and put it under my pillow. A week later, I was a changed man and having vivid dreams about jet-skiing with Tom Cruise.

(We launch off a jump simultaneously and high-five in midair. Strangely, even though I am laughing, Tom Cruise barely cracks a smile. Leah Remini is there too and she’s making brownies.)

My friend Richard M and I walked into this place to find out what the big deal was. We were immediately separated (not at all creepy), and had stress tests administered. This is an interview in which the subject grasps two aluminum cans connected to a voltmeter. When the needle vibrates, they probe you with intrusive questions. I can’t imagine what kind of a soft-skulled idiot could actually fall for this shit.

Anyway, two copies of Dianetics later, I’m a changed man. Scientology even cured my carpal tunnel. Now, for a Church that extorts millionaires, it could do with a renovation. The carpet was shoddy and worn, the e-meter I used had seen better days, and the glass at the front entrance was anything but clear. Get it? Oh… you wouldn’t understand.